Why Be a Writer (?).

I was never sure how to answer the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" as a kid. I had a lot of things I liked to do, but I wasn't all that sure which one of those things would be what I ultimately went with as a career. I love singing; so for a while I wanted to be a legit opera singer. I love dancing, so for a while I thought maybe being a dancer would work. I wanted to be an actress, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that I loved acting. And then for a while I wanted to be in musicals, because I'd get to do all three.

And of course, I wanted to be a writer. I had heard from a great number of my teachers that I was blessed with a way with the written word, and I had an overly active imagination as a child (and I still do, if I'm being completely honest) so writing seemed like a natural path to take. 

I focused entirely on acting in high school, and that dream of being in musicals sort of got swept away by how much I loved acting. Just in plays. I adored every single one of the roles I was in in high school, even my first-ever stage role, which was a completely mute lady in waiting in Twelfth Night. And acting is still very much a part of who I am now. 

I could have continued with my interest in acting into college, it's quite true. In some ways, I still don't entirely understand why I didn't. The best way I can describe it to you is that I just got burned out of being onstage. My senior year of high school was incredibly stressful, and I felt about six different kinds of pressure, and I really started to doubt myself where my acting abilities were concerned. Maybe that means I didn't really love it enough to pursue it. I think it just means that I got stretched too thin and needed to take some time for myself to figure out what I could and could not handle. 

So college rolled around, and I had no idea what to major in, because up until that point I had thought I was going to be an actress. Since I had always loved reading and writing, I decided to give being an English Major a try--so many people had told me I would change my mind about ten times, so I wasn't too worried about my future if English wasn't the right fit for me. 

So I entered into the English Department, with my Creative Writing Emphasis, and jumped headfirst into the work. I learned a lot my first semester from my Intro class, and I realized that writing actually felt like the Something that I loved. 

Not because it was easy. Writing is not easy. Writers are a cripplingly insecure bunch, and that's partially because of the way we work. Actors--at least, good ones--they pour themselves into their performances, for the entire world to see, and it's very real and very raw, and it can change lives. Writers do something similar, but it's a little more permanent. Putting words down on a page is the only way we really know how to communicate the entirety of what we're feeling; about politics, about life, about religion, about love, about ourselves. And once words are on the page, published, they're there. Forever. Period. Which is scary, and sometimes the self that we were at the time we wrote the piece gets preserved in those pages like a flower, and it can be embarrassing or excruciating, to see where we were at. Too young, or maybe not young enough.

 Even the authors who don't write themselves into their novels or poems or use authorial intrusion as a plot device put every ounce of themselves into every single word. And sometimes that can be devastatingly painful, especially when we are writing about the things we don't want to admit about ourselves, or our lives. Actors tell other peoples' secrets with their own selves. Writers tell their own secrets, through their characters. That's why no novel or story is ever truly neutral, because no author is. It's the reason why I hesitate to write any sort of detailed memoir about my marriage--well, that, and because digging through those old memories is too painful. I'm too close to it right now. But I can write about characters facing terrifying things without too much of a problem, because their demons, while perhaps on occasion are reflective of mine, are not mine. But it can be a release for me, just the same. 

Hemingway once said that writing is like sitting down at a typewriter and opening up a vein. It's almost like your blood becomes your ink, the story you write is made of your essence. Which is why writers are not always able to cope with rejection in a healthy way. Though all of us get rejected at one time or another, relentless rejections can start to wear on the spirit. Repeatedly putting yourself out there and repeatedly getting told no? It sucks. Actors get to deal with that, too, and it's equally as intimate, though in a different way. Editors and publishers look at the mind of the writer. Potential directors and agents look at the body of the actor. 

My acting teacher, Jared, liked to tell us "there are plenty of people who are going to tell you no. Don't be the first in line." He told us this on a regular basis. While it's a good life-policy in general, it is especially applicable, I think, to those of us who create. It's far too easy to tell yourself no as a writer--that a story isn't good, that it's actually bad enough that you should probably just stop writing it and give up because no one is going to want to publish your work anyway. 

It's hard to train yourself to think the other way. Acknowledging that a first draft is bad or weak because it is a first draft is hard. Working on it to make it better is harder. But it's something every single human on this planet has to do, in one way or another. Actors have to pick themselves up after a failed audition and keep trying. Writers have to keep sending things to agents and publishers. Painters and sculptors have to keep sending their works into galleries. Musicians have to keep composing and practicing. Businessmen have to do interview after interview. And so on. 

We humans put a lot of pressure on ourselves, especially in the type of society we live in. We're taught to. And while I think this is a good thing on one level, because it inspires people to continue to strive to be something more, it also is equally as likely to break a person--even if that person is a strong person. I think our society would benefit as a whole if we let ourselves take a step back and think, "this isn't perfect right now, but it doesn't have to be. I can improve and it doesn't have to be now." 

I know I would benefit from it. I'm far too hard on myself, and my writing file on my computer has more unfinished stories than I'd care to admit. 

So even though writing terrifies me, because sometimes I have absolutely no idea if I'm any good at it, or if I'll get any good ideas, or if anyone will ever want to publish me, I want to be a writer. I am a writer, but it's what I want to do. I never feel better than when I'm creating something, when my fingers are flying across the keyboard and the rough shapes of characters become clearer and clearer and the plot's path is revealed. Even if it's crappy, it's what meaningful feels like. It feels right.

 I don't quite know how to explain it, but it's--like how I imagine people must feel when they get an adrenaline rush from skydiving (assuming you like skydiving, of course--heights is one of my biggest fears, next to spiders, driving on the freeway, and commitment). You don't really know where you're going to land, but if the wind on your face is gorgeous and if the miles-wide view isn't just the best thing you've seen, then you don't know what is; and doesn't it feel like living, in the purest, most heartbreaking and wonderful sense? 

I know it sounds like I've been skydiving. I haven't. Writers are able to imagine situations in great detail--in other words, BS--it's one of our many talents. 

Sometimes--as I felt with acting my senior year--I don't know why I write. People tell me I'm talented; but talent doesn't always mean that a person is a good writer. I don't feel particularly proud of my writing ability, but I know that if I don't write, half of that puzzle that is my brain just disappears and I feel directionless and gross. 

And I guess that's why I write. Even though I often feel silly and like I'm shouting into the void like Augustus in The Fault in Our Stars--it's my voice, and even if it is a void that I'm shouting into, I feel better for it.