Nostalgia: "Too close to let you quit, too far to comfort you."

It's that time of year again.

No, I'm not talking about mating season. Or watering-your-lawn season (ha, please don't if you live in the Western US. I mean, please). I'm talking about graduation season.

Naturally my thoughts get all nebulous and float back to last year, when I was the one walking across the stage, smiling through my teeth and panicking like a crazy person all day, until I crashed into my bed and promptly woke up with a very enthusiastic case of depression.

I'm pretty sure I anticipated feeling depressed after I graduated: if my posts from last year around this time on this blog aren't an indication of that, then I don't know what is. 

And you all know it's been kind of nuts and out of control for a very long time, and that I'm still dealing with it, etc etc. 

Said and done before and will probably be said again. 

My goal in writing this is to remind my soon-to-be graduated friends (especially those who aren't headed straight to grad school) of a few things. 

1) You don't have to have it all figured out. It's okay to flounder. It's probably less preferable to spend three or four months bingewatching Supernatural on Netflix, but I am in zero place to judge. Seriously. Zero. What I wish someone had told me is this: find something that isn't work, outside of your house to occupy your time, if not every day, then every other day. It takes the edge of the restlessness, and gets you out of your head while you wonder why everyone else has it figured out. 

2) Going back to school after you've left is weird. It feels weird. It's silly, because of course the workings of campus life don't revolve around you; and that is what feels weird. The school hasn't stopped because you're gone. There are still people there. And in four years, no student will even remember you spent time there. Your friends will be all gone. Your acquaintances will be all gone. Some of your professors will forget you. Buildings will all be different in the blink of an eye. It's just no longer your home. And that's ok. 

3) Everyone who looks like they have things figured out (and you hate them for it) probably don't have it all figured out, and chances are they're improv-ing some percentage of their lives, too. 

This transition has been one of the hardest of my life; and it's not even because I miss school. It's partially because I miss school, but mostly it's because I miss the structure that school provides, the security of doing something you at least partially like every day. 

But in a weird way, it's also been a huge growth period for me. I wouldn't have said this a few months ago, and I find it weird to say now, because depression if anything feels like living under a gross mossy rock with gross bugs and you don't grow at all. But being that depressed kind of gave me a sense of what I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT. Because of that, I've started doing some reading about forming positive habits and learning how to be grownup, and shaping up a budget, and taking some extra classes from another school so that I have more skills, and actually feeling more responsible than I ever have in my life. 

Nope, I still don't have it figured out. 

But I'm getting closer, and I'm getting closer every day to reaching my goals. I bought myself my own freaking laptop! Before the year is out I hope to have either my own car and/or my own place, and I can guarantee by that point I still won't have it all figured out. I'll just be in a shiny apartment with a car payment and bills and it'll be fantastic, but I'll still be confused as hell. 

So, new graduates: congratulations, chins up, all that. You've got time to figure this shit out. 

And if you have a panic attack, feel free to chat with me. We can panic attack about Adulting together.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a Star Wars t-shirt. Or, at least, argue with myself about buying a Star Wars t-shirt, because I'm an Adult and I have to be frugal. Right?

Ha ha ha.